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I Abuse Myself Covertly And Overtly

Next Focus in Divine Consciousness

 

1.) THE TEACHING:

I Am Love

 

2.) THE DIVINE SET-UP:

I abuse myself covertly and overtly.

 

Note: In the following worksheet, the patterns and behaviors of overt and covert Self-abuse are presented/described in all four lower bodies: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. In the physical body, covert and overt Self-abuse is exhibited through physically self-destructive actions. In the emotional body, covert and overt Self-abuse is manifested through negative, self-destructive feelings. In the mental body, covert and overt Self-abuse is exemplified by self-destructive thoughts. In the spiritual body, covert and overt self-abuse is manifested by negative relationships with self and God.

 

3.) THE "DRAMA" AS IT APPLIES TO THE SET-UP:

I feel…
ashamed tortured vile humiliated
guilty outraged helpless vicious
terrified numb sickened enraged
worthless repulsive isolated hopeless

 

4.) REALIZATIONS:
A.) Ego Perspective:
1.) Physical Body:
a.) Overt Abuse
1.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I bite my fingernails.
2.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I over-eat and gain weight.
3.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I work myself to exhaustion.
4.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I abuse my body by compulsive over-exercise.
5.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I do not allow myself to rest when I am physically tired.
6.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I am a glutton with sugars, caffeine, and breads.
7.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I neglect my dental care.
8.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I neglect my medical care.
9.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I am careless; I bang myself around and bruise myself.
10.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I do not eat healthy, regular meals.
11.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I do not take the time to make myself look attractive.
12.) In my physical body the overt abuse is I take dangerous risks with my body.
1.) Physical Body (Con't.):
b.) Covert Abuse
1.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I pretend to enjoy sex when I don't.
2.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I sabotage my own well being.
3.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I judge my physical body harshly.
4.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I ignore my physical pain.
5.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I work when I am ill.
6.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I do not treat my physical body in a respectful, sacred way.
7.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I deny my physical body tenderness.
8.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I do not forgive my physical body its illnesses or weaknesses.
9.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I do not accept my physical body as perfect the way it is now.
10.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I believe my physical body is unworthy of my love unless it is perfect.
11.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I don't protect my physical body from disease.
12.) In my physical body the covert abuse is I resent the physical aging of my body.
2.) Emotional Body:
a.) Overt Abuse
1.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I deny myself fun, play, and lightness, and I remain over-stressed.
2.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I am enraged with my physical body for the flaws I perceive.
3.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I disconnect my feelings from the present moment.
4.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I get depressed.
5.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I am addicted to the drama of my emotions.
6.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I habitually take on too much, which creates stress/pressure until I become angry, overwhelmed, depressed, or exhausted.
7.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I am stubborn and refuse to change even when my behavior/feelings are self-destructive.
8.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I concentrate only on the negatives in my life and all the negative feelings this brings up.
9.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I don't allow myself to be happy.
10.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I keep myself isolated.
11.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I fear intimacy.
12.) In my emotional body the overt abuse is I withhold emotional connection.
2.) Emotional Body (Con't.):
b.) Covert Abuse
1.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I am always impatient with myself.
2.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I hide my true feelings (negative and positive).
3.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I do not speak about my boundaries. I allow everyone treat me like a doormat.
4.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I do not love myself enough or trust myself enough to stand alone and feel confidant.
5.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I withhold love from myself.
6.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I allow my rage to fester and keep it hidden inside.
7.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I am afraid to feel fragile and vulnerable because I fear I will be hurt.
8.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I blame myself for being the victim/victimized.
9.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I want control and therefore play the victim so that I can feel powerful.
10.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I hold myself hostage to all my flaws. I covet my flaws. I need my flaws.
11.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I am ashamed of my feelings of sexual arousal.
12.) In my emotional body the covert abuse is I often feel helpless, hopeless, and unimportant. I am a failure.
3.) Mental Body:
a.) Overt Abuse
1.) In my mental body tthe overt abuse is I humiliate myself and berate my abilities openly when I make mistakes.
2.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I call myself ugly names and put myself down privately and in front of others.
3.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I refuse to admit when I am wrong.
4.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I constantly justify my behavior.
5.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I try to impress people with my knowledge even when I don't know anything about the topic.
6.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I try to talk my way through something even when I'm confused.
7.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I live in my mental body and analyze everything.
8.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I avoid information or circumstances that I don't understand.
9.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I use big words to try to sound sophisticated.
10.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I exaggerate facts or events to make myself sound more important.
11.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I rationalize whatever I want to do to make it acceptable.
12.) In my mental body the overt abuse is I play the clown to gain attention and cover my inadequacies.
3.) Mental Body (Con't.):
b.) Covert Abuse
1.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I acquiesce in confrontive situations and allow my boundaries to dissolve.
2.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I refuse assistance or help.
3.) In my mental body the covert abuse I tell myself I am a failure when I have to start something over or even before I start.
4.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I believe that I am the only one making stupid mistakes.
5.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I hold myself hostage to and obsess over past mistakes.
6.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I refuse to forgive myself.
7.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I expect to fail.
8.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I expect to be hurt and suffer.
9.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I rob myself of love and I load myself with shame.
10.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I kill my creativity with constant judgments that I am less-than.
11.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I sabotage my goals by telling myself I won't make it.
12.) In my mental body the covert abuse is I think about suicide all the time.
4.) Spiritual Body:
a.) Overt Abuse
1.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I have rejected my religious beliefs.
2.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I choose to be too busy to connect with God.
3.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I pretend to be spiritual.
4.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I judge and criticize other's religious beliefs.
5.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I negate my spiritual experiences by minimizing and trivializing them.
6.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I have rigid spiritual practices.
7.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I blame God for my misfortunes.
8.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I act spiritually arrogant.
9.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I believe others must worship as I do.
10.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I follow a guru/church instead of connecting with my God-Self.
11.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I try to control my spiritual path.
12.) In my spiritual body the overt abuse is I bargain with God.
4.) Spiritual Body (Con't.):
b.) Covert Abuse
1.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I deny myself Peace and Joy.
2.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I deny myself moment to moment connection with my Soul.
3.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I don't entirely trust Soul/God/Spirit.
4.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I keep God outside myself.
5.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I do not honor that I have a spiritual body.
6.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I devalue my spiritual practices.
7.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I have deserted God.
8.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I do not treat myself as a Spiritual Being because I don't believe I am Sacred.
9.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I keep my Heart closed and cold.
10.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I believe there must be some recipe to the right spiritual path.
11.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I do not believe I deserve God's Love.
12.) In my spiritual body the covert abuse is I dishonor my spiritual connections.

 

My Worst End Scenario:

I am the living legacy of generational covert and overt self-abuse. I have perfected covert/overt self-abuse. I know how to abuse my body, my mind, my emotions, my spirit so skillfully that this becomes my only egoic activity. I am consumed with rage, fear, guilt, shame, self-hatred, and self-loathing; never acknowledging or changing this destructive patterning. No one sees, hears, or stops me because my treachery and deceit are so pervasive and well disguised. I live my death every moment of every day. I will never know God. I will never know myself as God. I will never know the Truth of my Being. I will never know Love. I will never know Peace. I will never communicate with my Soul. I hate myself. I die hating myself. I abuse myself to death.

 

B.) Psychological Perspective:
1.) Who/What imprinted you? And How?
1.) My father imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me that men are superior to women.
2.) My father imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me self-hatred and worthlessness.
3.) My father imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me self-doubt and to not trust myself, my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, my words, my connection to God, or my connection to myself.
4.) My mother imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me that loving myself is not important, and I must sacrifice my happiness for the happiness of others.
5.) My mother imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me shame and shaming me.
6.) My mother imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me to play the victim.
7.) My parents imprinted me with self-abuse by making me believe that I could never be successful by following my dreams.
8.) My parents imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me to deny and never express my true feelings.
9.) My parents imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me how to exit through alcohol/food/drug/sex/religion.
10.) My church imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me that I am an unredeemable sinner, and I am destined for Hell.
11.) My church imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me that I cannot possibly meet all of God's expectations, so I should fear God's vengence.
12.) My church imprinted me with self-abuse by teaching me that God's Love is unattainable.

 

2.) The Payoff. Name it.
Name the Negative Power that feeds the Payoff.
The Payoff I get by abusing myself overtly and covertly is I feel in control of my life and my decisions. I feel powerful. I validate my own existence through my pain, guilt, and suffering. I know who I am by my pain and suffering. I continue to create familiar, comforting feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness. I deny my fear and force myself to strive, to succeed, by my own imprinted negative rules and patterning. Self-Rage is the force that creates, sustains, and empowers my negative patterns. I covertly express my Self-Rage and continue to disconnect from myself, from God, and from knowing myself as God. I continue to keep God outside of me. I continue to live my Death, numb and devoid of God.

 

3.) What I need to change… inside myself.
1.) I need to change my self-abuse that I am disconnected from myself and from God into the recognition, knowing, wisdom, and Love of God within me.
2.) I need to change my self-abuse of not allowing myself to rest into creating a time of rest and peace everyday.
3.) I need to change my self-abuse of not forgiving myself for perceived flaws and imperfections (judgments and criticisms) into Self-Love and the knowing that I am whole, perfect, and filled with God's Love.
4.) I need to change my self-abuse that I must experience suffering and pain into love and compassion for myself and all my bodies: physical, emotional, mental or spiritual.
5.) I need to change my self-abuse that I am not worthy of Love into the recognition, knowing, and wisdom that I am Love.
6.) I need to change my self-abuse of self-hatred into Self-Love.
7.) I need to change my self-abuse of food gluttony and food addictions into the Self-Love of proper diet, nutrition, and exercise.
8.) I need to change my self-abuse of not showing my true feelings (negative and positive) into recognizing, acknowledging, and honoring each feeling when it arises and having the courage to express these feelings.
9.) I need to change my self-abuse that I must not declare my boundaries or I will not be loved into declaring my boundaries clearly as a reflection of my Self-Love.
10.) I need to change my self-abuse of shame, guilt, and humiliation about my aging, flabby, bulging, unbalanced physical body into Self-Love and acceptance of my physical body as it is, and have the willingness to change my old habits to new ones which support my body in healthy ways.
11.) I need to change my self-abuse of competing with and comparing myself to others into the Self-Love of knowing myself to be a unique and perfect Being.
12.) I need to change my self-abuse of thinking I am not connected with my Soul into knowing that I am in unceasing communication with Soul.

 

4.) My Unfinished Mommy/Daddy Business:
1.) Like my mother I abuse myself by playing the helpless victim and not speaking up for my physical, emotional, mental or spiritual boundaries.
2.) Like my mother I abuse myself by playing stupid or dumb.
3.) Like my mother I abuse myself by creating illness to avoid taking responsibility for my choices in life.
4.) Like my father I abuse myself by blaming others for my unhappiness and refusing to take responsibility for my Life.
5.) Like my father I abuse myself by limiting myself and not following my dreams.
6.) Like my father I abuse myself by denying my feelings (negative and positive) and disconnecting from myself.
7.) Like my parents I abuse myself by placing God outside of myself and believing that I am a sinner. I must do something to be saved, to be forgiven, to be worthy, to be loved.
8.) Like my parents I self-abuse by withholding Self-Love and not finding joy in my life.
9.) Like my parents I abuse myself by withdrawing from others and building walls so I will be isolated and alone.
10.) Like the church I abuse myself by believing that my sensuality/sexuality is dirty and sinful.
11.) Like the church I abuse myself by believing that I must earn the right to go to Heaven or I will go to Hell.
12.) Like my church I self-abuse by waiting for God to come and save me, and by believing the church should dictate my life.

 

5.) Triangulations:
Show at least 3 triangles with you in each of the three positions: Victim (V), Savior (S), and Persecutor (P).

Diagram of Triangulation Diagram of Triangulation Diagram of Triangulation

 

6.) Negative Love Patterns:
1.) My mother taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "You have to go along to get along. Don't rock the boat."
2.) My mother and the church taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "If you are not a good person God will not love you."
3.) My mother taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "Don't talk about sex. It is wrong to feel sexually aroused."
4.) My mother taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "Can't you look better than that? I'm ashamed to be seen with you."
5.) My father taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "Good children must be quiet and not make noise. Don't talk back. Children are seen, but not heard."
6.) My father taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "That's not right. You don't know anything. What a stupid mistake."
7.) My father taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "I'm so disappointed in you. You didn't turn out the way I'd hoped."
8.) My father taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "What's wrong with you? Why can't you ever learn to do anything for yourself?"
9.) My parents taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "Where did I go wrong with you?"
10.) My parents taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "You'll never amount to anything. You're a good-for-nothing. Your life is a joke."
11.) My parents taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "You were a mistake. I wish you'd never been born."
12.) My parents taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "When I was your age, I was much richer/smarter/better than you. You are just lazy/foolish/stupid."
13.) My parents and the church taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "Your body is dirty. You have a dirty mind".
14.) The church taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "You are a sinner."
15.) The church taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "You'll never be good enough in God's eyes."
16.) The church taught me to abuse myself by teaching me, "If you don't believe in God you're worthless."

C.) SOUL Perspective:

Symbols from Soul:

Images given from Soul are that of a large cave with a high ceiling and smooth walls. On the walls are hundreds of symbols. The cave is illuminated by a shaft of light at its center. A journey around the cave begins. Upon viewing the symbols for the first time, they make no sense - just pictures upon the smooth walls. After the second journey around the cave, there appears to be a connection between all the symbols/pictures. With successive journeys the symbols become clearer and clearer, and more inner-connected and inter-connected. The light in the cave grows stronger with each journey. Until, finally, the cave is fully illuminated. At this moment, the ceiling disappears and the walls become transparent. The symbols appear to be suspended in space, written in light. Then the symbols disappear. Nothing is left of the cave or the symbols. Now there is only an open field of all/no time and all/no space. There is a feeling present. It is absolutely powerful and absolutely gentle all at the same time.

The message from Soul is that the cave represents the shadow-side of the little self/ego:
All negative characteristics of one's parents
All negative behavior patterns
All negative reactivity
All negative thoughts, feelings, words, and actions

These are expressed by the hundreds of symbols on the smooth walls of the cave.

The shaft of Light symbolizes the potential for Change. The ability to Consciously "see" the symbols and finally know their meaning. Knowing their meaning allows Change to occur.

The journeys around the inside of the cave to view the symbols represent the Journey of Self-Discovery…
Who Am I?
Why do I react negatively?
Who did I learn this from?
Why can't I stop myself before I abuse myself?


The Light of Change grows in the cave as Consciousness is brought to the symbols and their inner-connectedness and inter-connectedness with each new round of the journey. Finally, the patterns made by the symbols make sense. Old behaviors begin to change. Truth replaces "The Big Lies" of the childhood. Love replaces negativity.

The cave, (the shadow part of the little self/ego) has served its purpose. It disappears. The symbols are transformed into Light by the Consciousness brought to them. They have been brought into the Light of Change. They have served their purpose. They, too, disappear.

What remains is the open field of all/no time and all/no space. It has always been there. The cave and the symbols were held within the field, as was the possibility for Change, symbolized by the shaft of Light.

The absolutely powerful and absolutely gentle feeling is Love. Divine Love. Unconditional Love. It is the field of all potentiality and all change. Consciousness brings Change. Change is Love. As the cave and the symbols disappear, Love is present, specifically Self-Love. The shadow of the little self/ego has been brought into the Light of Change. Negativity has been transformed into Love. The little self/ego can now choose Self-Love.

 

5.) The Practices:
I will tell a different person each day for seven days about my practice of changing self-abuse into Self-Love. The seven self-abuses that I am ready to change into Self-Love are:
1. the self-abuse that I am unworthy into the Self-Love that I am worthy of all the goodness, joy, and Love that life has to offer.
2. the self-abuse of judging and condemning myself into the Self-Love of acceptance and pride in what and who I am.
3. the self-abuse of bullying, manipulating, controlling, and punishing myself to work harder, do more, and not rest or slow down into the Self-Love of setting boundaries for myself to ensure that I find rest, relaxation, and peace every day.
4. the self-abuse of criticizing and invalidating my thoughts into the Self-Love of asking that my thoughts be Soul guided, and knowing that it is so.
5. the self-abuse of invalidating my positive and negative feelings into the Self-Love of recognizing, acknowledging, accepting, and honoring all of my feelings as reflections of the Truth of my Being.
6. the self-abuse of judging, criticizing, feeling rage, and feeling shame about my physical body into the Self-Love of accepting my physical body, being gentle and respectful of my physical body, and knowing that it is perfect just the way it is. I am willing to change my old habits to bring my physical body to better health.
7. the self-abuse of not making time for Soul conversations every day into the Self-Love of entering into the Serene Center of My Being within my Heart every day and thereby opening to experience union and communion with my Soul.

 

6.) Do The Practices every day for one week: Yes ! Yes!

 


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