My journey to a new place…from an old place: a place of pain, pathos, chaos, and confusion; of instinctual, familiar, familial behavior and being. A place with centuries of contained rage, eons of emotional imprisonment, defeated, defensive, deaf, dumb, drunken patterns of self-sabotaging, selfishness, self-righteousness, self-abusiveness, soulessness, sinfulness, and silent Southern secrets. How in the Sam Hill did I get in this place in the first place? How in the Sam Hill do I move on to a new place? Who in the hell is Sam Hill?

There must be something bigger at work here. I just need to figure out and understand what I need to do. What do I need to know? What in the Sam Hill do I know…I know that I am a child of God and that there is Divine Order in every experience, every person, and every event that has occurred in my Life. So, if there is a rhyme or reason for everything - why the hell am I in such pain? Is God punishing me? Did God forget about me? I have given 100%. I have trusted 100%. I have given 100% to everyone - everyone, even the man at K-Mart. So, what's wrong with this picture? My husband is fucking other women. He has stolen money from my inheritance. He has created huge tax liabilities for me. He has lied. He has broken promises to me, my children, his children - everyone, even his dog! Why did this happen to me?

Why didn't I see what was going on? Why couldn't I see the truth of my reality? What a huge, out-of-proportion lesson for me. At 50, my career and so many things in my life are going well.

WHAT LESSON DID I MISS, DAMMIT!

I become silent.
I listen.
I hear.
"Forgive, forgive, forgive."
Okay, that's easy, that's my nature.
What next?…
"Take care of yourself - get a good lawyer."
Okay, that means money. I can do that.
What next?
"Figure out what the rest of your life looks like."
Okay, that's creative. I can do that.
"Oh, by the way, for this never to happen to you again, you have to really Love yourself a lot."
Yeah, okay, I understand, I already do that. I eat well, exercise, get plenty of sleep, take baths, read, wear my seatbelt….
"That's taking care of yourself. Most everybody takes care of themselves. No, I mean You Have To Fall Passionately In Love With Yourself just like you did with your husband, (in the beginning), your children, your art. You have to deeply and passionately Love every aspect, every molecule of the incredible Being that you are."

O, that level of Love…I understand that passionate Love, I just never thought of embracing myself in it… Did all this happen just so I would understand Self-Love in such a complete way?
'Yes, Beloved."
I think I might have an inkling of God's Love for humanity and for me, an inkling of understanding of why I am here. WOW! This is it…
little steps - into the realm of Self-Love, self-compassion, self-understanding, and self-forgiveness.

Thank you, God, for the wonderful lesson. Sorry, I thought you forgot about me. It was I who forgot about me.

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