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Conscious Relationship

Living in a Conscious Relationship with another person is easily one of the most challenging, yet wonderfully fulfilling, kinds of relationships I have ever had. Having a Conscious Relationship means relating to myself through another person. That means that the other person becomes a mirror and constant source of feedback for me. All of my positive and negative traits are shown to me in vivid detail.

Having been in a number of unsatisfactory relationships in my life, I decided I needed to change my way of relating to my partner. Being in a Conscious Relationship teaches me how to coexist with another and, consequently, with myself.

Perhaps the number one characteristic of a successful Conscious Relationship is communication. Without communication, any relationship slowly deteriorates. I will admit that, at times, it is very difficult to maintain communication with my partner. Most of us were not taught the rudiments of open and honest communication in childhood, so we have little experience with it. Yet I have found open and honest communication to be one of the most powerful tools that I have at my disposal. Honest communication keeps my relationship moving along the paths of personal and impersonal growth and keeps both partners in sync with one another. Honest communication also forces me to move out of denial. Without moving out of denial, I cannot change anything. I must "face" myself squarely and honestly in order to make other choices. Whenever there is trouble, heart to heart (not head to head) communication usually clears the air.

Summoning the courage to talk about what I am feeling and experiencing has enabled me to let down the walls of protection that I have constructed to defend myself from life. I love the song from Sting, "Fortress Around Your Heart". It speaks of the defenses we create to keep others out. Many of us were never listened to as children. Having someone who cares enough to listen to concerns, fears, secrets, triumphs, jokes, inspirations, and meanderings is a blessing beyond words.

Intimacy is another vital characteristic of Conscious Relationships. It is often referred to as "In-to-me-you-see". I have carried my "dirty little secrets" around for so long that they have become a part of my interior landscape. My closets are overflowing with these old skeletons, and they sometimes rattle me to the bone. But when I share what I carry within, it alleviates the tension and unburdens me. Letting my partner see what is inside of me has the ultimate effect of releasing judgement, guilt, shame, fear, and fault-finding.

In some ways it is easier to live alone than in a Conscious Relationship because when I am alone I only have to answer to myself. Living with another successfully requires that I consider the other person when making decisions and formulating plans. It is certainly easier for me to remain in denial when I am alone than when I'm in a Conscious Relationship. Yet living in a Conscious Relationship has given me the opportunity to learn compassion, forgiveness, PATIENCE, humility, surrender, being there for others, perseverance, and Love. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

However, being in a Conscious Relationship brings up all of the "unfinished mommy/daddy business" left over from each of the two partners' childhood. As children, we were imprinted with our parents' negative and positive characteristics and programming. We have been conditioned by our parents to react to specific triggers around what a partner says or does. Our parents "taught" us how to handle disagreements and conflicts by their actions, words, or silences. Children are sponges who soak up everything going on in their environment. Not knowing any better, we believed that what we were learning was the way to live in relationship with another person. It is important to remember that our parents were imprinted by their parents, too. They are blameless. We are ALL actually innocent of any wrong-doing. This is just how relationships have proceeded up to this point.

When we are attracted to someone, we may be sure that this person will bring up our hidden childhood wounds. This person, if we choose, can help us clear all this "old stuff" which inhibits us from living our lives fully, joyously, and Consciously. If both partners are committed to spiritual growth, Conscious Relationship is one of the fastest ways to Awaken.

The synergistic energy created when two come together is the perfect tool to work through all these old negative patterns of behavior. Two, working and living in harmony, are a powerful energy for change. A couple living in Conscious awareness can finally let go of the emotional baggage from childhood. Making a relationship sacred/Conscious allows the healing process to take place. We must be willing to re-experience the old wounds, move out of denial of their impact on us, and learn to release them in forgiveness. Doing this causes us to change who we are, and more importantly, how we see ourselves.

When old unfinished mommy/daddy business comes up, we are reacting in a programmed way. We have adopted the same behaviors, actions, and attitudes our parents taught us, and are not reacting from a thoughtful, Conscious place. Often, the unfinished mommy/daddy business will even blind us to the Love that exists between our partner and ourselves. We simply forget. Without full awareness of this Love, there is no foundation to hold the relationship intact while the needed process of change occurs. The partner who is supposed to be supportive often gets hooked into his or her own unfinished mommy/daddy business, too. That partner then starts reacting to his or her own "stuff" and is unable to be compassionate. This either causes an argument or a shut down between the partners. Neither partner feels they can continue the process of healing that had begun.

In a Conscious Relationship, however, when unfinished mommy/daddy business comes up one of the partners "holds the space" for the other, without judgement. "Holding the space" means listening to and supporting the other from a place of compassion and empathy. This allows the other to re-experience his or her old wounding in a safe and healing way. A Conscious Relationship see-saws back and forth as each partner takes his or her turn in each role: re-experiencing the pain or "holding the space". It takes courage and commitment to be able to assume both of these roles.

Through our Conscious awareness, and through practicing Conscious Relationships, we can finally put an end to the multi-generational, dysfunctional relationships we usually see. It falls to us to search out another way of being in relationship with one another. Those of us who have chosen to create Conscious Relationships remember our Soul Agreement to do so. It is part of our Awakening process. We have agreed to create the possibility and the reality of a new kind of relationship - one which is Soul-centered, not ego-centered. We do this for ourselves and for all humanity. In doing so, we are changing the face of relationships forever.



For further reading on a particular subject found in this writing, please click on a topic heading below:

Change/Transformation Consciousness
Heart Negative Feelings
Positive Feelings Truth


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