4.) REALIZATIONS: WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON HERE?

a.)	Ego Perspective:

1.)	I am drained.
2.)	I am furious; why did my lover leave?
3.)	I hate myself.
4.)	I wish I were dead.
5.)	I am completely humiliated.
6.)	I am nothing.
7.)	I am a totally useless human being.
8.)	I am lost.
9.)	I am desperate.
10.)	I can never do anything right.
11.)	I am not worthy of love.
12.)	I am worthless.

Worst End Scenario:

I am not worthy of having a wonderful lover. No one loves me. I hate myself. I am enraged. My life IS a living HELL, and will never change. This is it, I am stuck here to serve out my time. I live and will die unloved and alone. I will live and die in pain, feeling utterly useless, alone, abandoned, and worst of all, unloved. I loathe myself now and forever. I just want to die and get this horrible and painful life over with.

b.)	Psychological Perspective:

1.)	Who/What imprinted you? And How?

1.)	My mother imprinted me with the lie that I was not good enough and never would be by always rejecting me when I was not perfect.
2.)	My mother imprinted me with the lie that I was not worthy of her love unless I was perfect by constantly judging my lack of perfection.
3.)	My father imprinted me with the lie that I was not worthy of his attention or love by never having time for me, treating me like his possession.
4.)	My parents imprinted me with the lie that I was unlovable by withholding their love.
5.)	My mother imprinted me with RAGE by often raging at me when I did not meet her expectations.
6.)	My mother imprinted me with the lie of jealousy by being jealous of my friendships with others, feeling she would lose control if I was closer to others than to her.
7.)	My mother imprinted me with the lie that I will always be betrayed, and that it is OK to betray others if it serves my purposes.
8.)	My mother imprinted me with self-centeredness and selfishness.
9.)	My father imprinted me with the lie that life is out to get me.
10.)	My father imprinted me with the lie that I would always fail anyway, so why try?
11.)	My mother imprinted me with the lie of not being able to "let go", out of a fear that what I have now is all there is.
12.)	My mother imprinted me with the lie that every relationship is a struggle and a losing battle.

2.)

The Payoff. Name it. Name the Negative Power that feeds the Payoff.

The Payoff is the righteousness I get to feel. Smug in my pain that it will never change, so I do not have to do The Work to allow the potential of change to take place. I feel righteous in my knowing I was right and good and did all I could, and that my lover did not try as hard as I did. Not hard enough. This righteousness allows me to feel a kind of negative power, instead of surrendering to the feeling of powerlessness. I also never really have to try in a relationship because I know it will fail anyway. Fuck it, who cares? Neither Spirit nor anyone else cares about me, so why should I even try??? I get to remain angry at Spirit as a punishing father and never really have to take responsibility for my part in it. What feeds my Payoff is the negative power of Rage.

3.)	What I need to change… inside myself.

1.)	I need to change my feeling of being separate and alone into feelings of being connected to myself and to others.
2.)	I need to change my feelings of self-loathing into feelings of self-love.
3.)	I need to change my feelings of being weak and helpless into feelings that I am strong and capable.
4.)	I need to change my feelings of being the victim/martyr to God with no say so in my life into feelings that I am self-directed and make my own choices with my Soul's guidance.
5.)	I need to change the lie that if my lover leaves I will never find another relationship partner to the truth that am worthy and perfect just as I am, and I will find another partner that is even better than before.
6.)	I need to change the lie that I am not worthy to the truth that I am totally worthy just as I am.
7.)	I need to change the false belief that I am being persecuted to the truth that I am supported by Spirit in every moment.
8.)	I need to change the lie that I am just a useless piece of shit to the truth that I am a wonderful human being with much to offer.
9.)	I need to change the lie that I am not worthy of love to the truth that I am totally worthy of my own self-love as well as another's love.
10.)	I need to change the false belief that I must do a lot to be accepted by God to the truth that simply being is enough.
11.)	I need to change the false belief that my life is over to the truth that my new life is just beginning.
12.)	I need to change the false belief that I am past the best part of my life to the truth that life gets better and better all the time.

4.)	Unfinished Mommy/Daddy Business:

1.)	Like my mother I verbally abuse others.
2.)	Like my mother I am jealous of others.
3.)	Like my mother I am very critical and judgmental of myself and others.
4.)	Like my mother I hate anyone who I perceive threatens me in any way.
5.)	Like my father I feel I will fail, so why try too hard?
6.)	Like my father I betray others.
7.)	Like my father I abandon others.
8.)	Like my father I am not present for others in a relationship.
9.)	Like my father I am so damn self-centered.
10.)	Like my father I am a loser.
11.)	Like my father I am a failure.
12.)	Like my father I expect life to knock me down again and again. Is it really worth getting up only to be knocked down?

5.)	Triangulations:
	Show at least 3 triangles with you in each of the three positions: Victim (V), Savior (S), and Persecutor (P).

6.)	Negative Love Patterns:

1.)	My parents taught me - "You will always fail".
2.)	My mother taught me - "You are totally worthless".
3.)	My mother taught me - "You are not worthy of anyone's love, you have to earn it".
4.)	My mother taught me to be jealous of other people.
5.)	My mother taught me to be possessive and hold on for dear life or you would lose those you love most.
6.)	My mother taught me - "You are not loveable".
7.)	My mother taught me that I would always be abandoned.
8.)	My mother taught me that I would always be betrayed.
9.)	My mother taught me that I was not worthy to go through life deeply loving somebody else and he or she equally return my love.
10.)	My mother taught me that you had to give more than you get to get anything back at all.
11.)	My mother taught me that I would always be punished constantly because I am just not good enough.
12.)	My mother taught me that change was a bad thing, that it meant I was a failure.
13.)	My mother taught me that I am being punished by God for being a bad boy.
14.)	My mother taught me to hate myself.
15.)	My mother taught me that I was not worthy of having any real happiness in my life.
16.)	My father taught me that life sucks and then you die.

c.)	SOUL Perspective:

Symbols from Soul: Image of me in a scary free-fall. Then my parachute opens. I float gently towards the ground. The image of a large Tiger in all its strength with its paw slapping out and showing its claws/power. Lots of blue light. My lover and me embracing and being very loving. The silhouette of a young man with the word "potential" that can be manifested inside him. A beautiful Rainbow. The word "Life". Life is just beginning. This is a rebirth. It is appropriate for the growth of you as a human being at this point in your life. The human being is never abandoned or betrayed by Spirit. Never!! Only the ego believes that. Change is a constant part of the Consciousness Process. Welcome and embrace Change, for it has the capacity to take the human being to constantly new and deeper levels of Self-Love. The question is, can one Love oneself no matter what the external dance is? The answer is, how could one do otherwise? The parachute speaks clearly to a soft and compassionate landing. The Tiger is strength and resourcefulness, for the human being has both the strength and the resourcefulness to meet Self-Love and incorporate it as an unshakable part of one's Being. Self-Love becomes so intrinsic that it is quite tangible in all moments and a welcomed ally. Blue Light is a healing light and the support of the Divine Mother aspect of Consciousness. The human being is always supported by Spirit; simply recognize it and KNOW it from the Heart of Hearts that resides within you. Embrace yourself. Embrace ALL of the parts within that represent your highest good. By embracing all parts of you, the dark as well as the Light, you will gain a deeper understanding that opens to wholeness. There is new potential available in all moments. Spirit truly does want us to have what our hearts desire: If we only choose to believe this with every ounce of our Being! New potential right there, so close, one has but to step over the threshold and lovingly embrace Change. The Rainbow itself is the pot of Gold, paydirt, a wonderful and positive symbol to be with and Live Life. Total potential is available right here, right now, in the present moment. LOVE.

5.) Two Practices:

a.)	Mirror work: I stand before the mirror and tell myself daily that I am totally worthy and totally loveable just as I am. I also tell myself there is the potential of another partner out there for me. Life is not over, it is just beginning. I open to embrace new life and new potentials.
b.)	To journal about all of this daily in a positively reinforcing manner.

6.) Do The Practices every day for one week.

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