I always believed that what my parents did to me was for my own good, didn't you? But since I came to America, many of my beliefs have been shattered. Abusive punishment was one of them.
One day, a spiritual teacher told me: "No matter what a child does, a parent beating a child is not right." I was very puzzled. All I knew when I was growing up was that all my friends got beaten by their parents, just as I did. It was normal to think that this was the way to educate children, to make then become a better person.
A childhood scene came up for me recently. When I was about 4 years old, my older brother and I ate some meatballs my mom had prepared. She was extremely angry with us when she got back from work. At that time, meat was very precious and hard to come by. She asked my brother first: "How may did you eat?" "I swear" my brother answered, "only one". He got away with it. My mother believed him.
Then my mother asked me: "How many did you eat?" Spontaneously I gave her the same answer as my brother, "Just one, Mom." Suddenly, I did not recognize my mother's face because it was so twisted with rage. She picked up a broom and began hitting me with it. At the same time she was yelling loudly, "How can that be? The bowl was full. Your brother only ate one. You must have eaten the rest of them!" I started to cry and could hardly remember how many I had actually eaten, so I said: "Maybe three or four." The punishment continued until it got dark. Mother was tired but still very angry. She said, "I beat you for your own good, otherwise you will become a liar." Even today, I can still feel the pain in my body, tears in my eyes. The punishment never really stopped until recently. It was constantly running in my mind, like a parasite living in my brain, constantly feeding me thoughts: "I need to be punished. It is good for me. It makes me pure and honest." Am I honest now?
I have been lying to my mother all my life, until now. I lived a life that was a big lie. What was the lie? I could hardly recognize the truth. I believed I was not good enough; it was all my fault. I was the one who deserved to suffer. There was a seed deeply planted in my brain that I needed to be punished. I used all my negative thoughts to beat myself up. I felt empty. I punished myself by staying in very unhealthy situations. When I got hurt, my first thought was always that I did something wrong. My body was hurt, my heart was crying. I lost the connection to my truth. I lost my joy.
I was so blind to the truth that I could not see the red flags of danger showing me something was wrong, something was not right from the very beginning of each abusive situation. I was sucked into abusive behaviors, but made myself believe that everything was normal. I engaged in many situations that made me feel guilty. I tried to reconcile and fix them. I felt as though I were going crazy. After all, I was bad to the core so I needed to be punished. I did not have any value except when I was pleasing others. I was not worthy of being respected and loved just for myself.
I did not realize that what my parents had done to me could have such a huge impact on my life and beliefs. I am so relieved that I can let go of those old, negative beliefs and connect to my true self again. This is part of my Awakening process. I am so glad that I no longer carry this old, heavy baggage on my shoulders.
For the first time in my life, I feel I have become a whole person rather than two separate ones. I have written my mother twice expressing my truth. She was not happy to hear it. I have come to realize that I am no longer responsible for her reactions. I am just exposing the truth rather than causing her pain. I have decided to tell the truth in a gentle way to everyone and, most of all, to be truthful to myself. I realize my true nature is so pure, kind, authentic, and complete that I don't need to punish myself or anyone else. I will continually raise my Consciousness so that I will not "punish" or abuse others, or myself, without being aware of it.
Those in the past, who abused me, had no clue that what they did caused me such pain. The only reason they did it was because someone else had done the same thing to them.
Isn't it a miracle that I happened to come to a foreign land rich with spiritual practice and psychological work? Isn't it a miracle, after 28 years, I finally found a safe place in which to let go of these old, negative beliefs? Many times I have had a vision that I will have beautiful children. If I do, I am sure that I will raise them differently, not as I was raised. Now, I know how my beliefs can impact the lives of the next generation. I will teach them to be truthful through Love, rather than punishment. To always speak the truth from their heart, rather than pleasing others by simply saying what others want to hear. I will respect them and Love them because they are worthy and wonderful just the way they are. I believe all children are magnificent gifts from God.
I have done my homework. I am committed to continuing my Inner Work for the rest of my life. I choose to stand Consciously in my Truth, as Love and Light, for my family, my friends, my clients, and all humanity.
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