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I Am A Pressure Addict
Next Focus in Divine
Consciousness
There is no place to go and nothing to do.
I am a pressure addict.
3.) THE "DRAMA"
AS IT APPLIES TO THE SET-UP: |
Frenetic |
Tense |
Irritable |
Hollow |
Frantic |
Nervous |
Burned-out |
Empty |
Panicky |
Exhausted |
Exhausted |
Compressed |
Tight |
Nauseous |
Unfocused |
Numb |
1.) |
I am consumed by pressure. |
2.) |
I am devoured by pressure. |
3.) |
I am frantic and exhausted. I can't stop myself. |
4.) |
I gorge on pressure until I am full, bloated,
and sick. |
5.) |
I am immobile, impotent, and useless. |
6.) |
I am paralyzed and numb. Why do I have to go
to these extremes to feel alive? |
7.) |
I am empty and hollow. |
8.) |
I am a complete failure. |
9.) |
I loathe myself. |
10.) |
I am worthless. |
11.) |
I hate myself! I hate being a God Damned Perfectionist! |
12.) |
I am not worthy of being loved. |
Worst
End Scenario:
Pressure will always run me. I am totally out of control.
I have lost myself compleltely; I have vanished. I become totally
exhausted, unable to work, unable to support myself, unable to
stop. I lose my friends and become distant and separate from
my family. I have abandoned them; they have abandoned me. I have
abandoned myself. I live in a cloud of anesthesia; not feeling,
not connecting in my life. I no longer see, touch, or feel any
connection to my life and those in it. I am isolated, alone,
and useless. I feel like dying. I feel dead. I no longer give
nor receive love.
I hate myself. I want to die.
1.) |
Who/What imprinted you? And How? |
1.) |
My father imprinted me with addiction to pressure
by constantly pushing me to perform and produce and be perfect. |
2.) |
My father imprinted me with humiliation by telling
me I was worthless. |
3.) |
My father imprinted me with incompetence by always
pointing out my errors and my weaknesses. I was always judged. |
4.) |
My father imprinted me with self-condemnation
by habitual scolding and never praising me. |
5.) |
My father imprinted me with hostility by yelling
at me and shaming
me. |
6.) |
My father imprinted me with rage
by shaking me, beating me, and slamming me around. |
7.) |
My mother imprinted me with guilt by blaming
and shaming me and telling me I was naughty, bad girl. |
8.) |
My mother imprinted me with numbness by punishing
me for expressing my feelings. |
9.) |
My mother imprinted me with submissiveness by
telling me I had no choice. All decisions were up to them. |
10.) |
My mother imprinted me with secretiveness by
punishing me for telling the truth,
or speaking my point of view. |
11.) |
My mother imprinted me with isolaltion sending
me to my room and withdrawing her love
and attention. |
12.) |
My mother imprinted me with insecurities by threatening
me with my father's rage. |
2.) |
The Payoff.
Name it.
Name the Negative Power that feeds the Payoff. |
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The payoff is I use anger to motivate me. I get
angry at myself for not accomplishing enough, for not doing everything
right, for being tired, for not being perfect. I compulisvely
stay busy and active to avoid feelings
of unworthiness. Unless I am pushing myself I feel useless and
powerless. I "buy" praise by being the doer. When I
make mistakes I feel I am a failure. I do not forgive myself.
I feel worthless and unworthy of love.
I feel I must "earn" love, self-love,
and love from others, by being productive and accomplishing.
I use rage to continually
fuel my payoff of using anger and self-judgment
as a cayalyst. |
3.) |
What I need to change
inside myself. |
1.) |
I need to change my feelings
of worthlessness into acknowleldging I am perfect just the way
I am. |
2.) |
I need to change my self-judgment into self-praise
for my wholeness as God. |
3.) |
I need to change my feelings that I must ignite
my performance with anger and rage
into trusting my Soul's
guidance at all times. |
4.) |
I need to change my feelings of self-hatred into
Self-Love. |
5.) |
I need to change my feeling that I must accomplish
to be loved into practicing Self-Love, thus opening me to give
and receive Love from
others. |
6.) |
I need to change my feelings of isolation and
emptiness into feelings of acceptance that strengthen my connections
to persons and activities in every moment. |
7.) |
I need to change my feelings of shaming
and blaming myself into honoring my choices, abilities, and strengths
each day. |
8.) |
I need to change my feelings of fear/belittlement
when sharing my thoughts/ideas into knowing that I can speak
the truth of my mind
and heart free from
self-judgment. |
9.) |
I need to change my feelings of fear of rejection,
and loss of love if I share my true feelings into trusting that
I may stand in the Truth of my Being
24 hours a day, unceasingly, and I will know love as well. |
10.) |
I need to change my feelings that I must push,
I must be hard, I must be strong to "buy"/ be worthy
of love into knowing that I do give and receive love just as
I am. I am Loving. I am Love. |
11.) |
I need to change my feelings that I must always
be "doing" to be worthy into knowing that Being is
enough. |
12.) |
I need to change my pattern of triangualtion
into practicing, openness, neutrality, and Oneness in every situation. |
1.) |
Like my father, I push, I push hard. |
2.) |
Like my father I am stubborn and bull-headed. |
3.) |
Like my father I self-generate pressure to ignite
performance. |
4.) |
Like my father I throw my anger at others. I
am hostile to others and self-destructive. |
5.) |
Like my mother I withdraw/isolate when I feel
threatened. |
6.) |
Like my mother I am afraid to share my thoughts
and feelings for
fear of punishment
and loss of love. |
7.) |
Like my mother I shame
others so that I may feel "more than". |
8.) |
Like my mother I feel unworthy and insignificant
when I am not busy. |
9.) |
Like my parents I am judgmental
and critical. |
10.) |
Like my parents I feel that others are always
measuring me, and I am falling short. |
11.) |
Like my parents I withhold my love
to punish others. |
12.) |
Like my church I believe I must be good and perfect
so that God will love
me. |
5.) |
Triangulations: |
|
Show at least 3 triangles with you in each of
the three positions: Victim (V), Savior (S), and Persecutor (P). |
1.) |
My mother taught me - "You are lazy". |
2.) |
My mother taught me - "No one will like
you if you don't work hard". |
3.) |
My mother taught me - "You have to do better
than that because you don't want people to talk about you". |
4.) |
My mother taught me - "You don't try hard
enough". |
5.) |
My mother taught me - "You must be quiet
and not get in people's way; children should be seen and not
heard". |
6.) |
My mother taught me - "When your father
gets home he is going to hear about this; you will be punished". |
7.) |
My parents taught me - "You must never speak
back to your parents". |
8.) |
My parents taught me - "If you want us to
love you, you had
better work harder and do it right!". |
9.) |
My father taught me - "If you want me to
trust you, you had better straighten up and fly right." |
10.) |
My father taught me - "If you don't want
to be punished you had better do what I say, not what I do". |
11.) |
My father taught me - "I'm only hitting
you to teach you". |
12.) |
My father taught me - "You don't have to
like what you are doing, just do it because I told you to do
it". |
13.) |
My father taught me - "I don't care what
you think, you do what I say because I say so". |
14.) |
My father taught me authority meant punishment. |
15.) |
My father taught me - "Keep your mouth shut
if you don't want to be hurt". |
16.) |
My parents taught me - "You are no good
if you are not going to help". |
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Symbols
from Soul:
The vision given from Soul was of a speedskater,
skating fast, flying! No pauses, no hesitation, no tension...relaxed,
sublime form. Emanating JOY
in every breath, every stroke. Innate confidence and capability
vibrate/radiate
from this skater. There are huge, black holes along the skater's
path. The skater has
no fear, no judgment,
no distractions regarding these holes; they are part of the path,
and they are loved. The skater knows only one true purpose, that
is to BE this pure act of skating; living and breathing this
gift from God. This
action of skating is the manifestation of this skater's Isness.
The skater's path has no beginning and no end...this is of no
concern...there is only NOW, no time,
no future, no past. There is no having to perform; there is only
Being.
Symbolically the holes represent the old addictive
patterns to pressure and stress. I am back in the hole before
I know it. Then I have to struggle to get out. I am also afraid
of what skating freely would be like because I have so little
practice in doing that. I know what falling in the hole is all
about. It is my familiar pattern. It is my comfort zone. My Soul is offering me that
which is unfamiliar to me. The "Sweet Ease" of gliding
around the holes and getting where I want to go without having
to use pressure and stress.
I have been falling in the holes because I
have been living in the past and in the future. My attention
has not been on the moment.
And when the moment taps me on the shoulder, I fall in the hole.
If I stay in the moment as my Soul
suggests, I will always know where the hole is and I can Consciously
choose whether I want to fall in or not. |
a.) |
I say these Mantras aloud, to myself, in the
mirror every morning and evening.
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"I acknowledge and honor my God-given
abilities for the gifts they truly are". |
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" I do not have to DO anything, I need only
BE my True Self". |
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b.) |
I say this daily prayer
to God, Which I Am:
I ask that every action come from my Soul,
from pure Self-Love,
from the Heart of my Being. I ask that my God-gifts radiate to
my every breathing moment.
My strengths and abilities are gifts from God, Which I Am. |
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