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From Rage To Love

Have you ever had the experience where a loved one shares an observation with you and suddenly you feel an explosion of rage within? Immediately, you find yourself on the defensive, ready to attack. Adrenaline is coursing through your veins and you feel totally out of control. Just the other day, I had the experience that no matter what my Beloved said or did, I felt like strangling him. All of a sudden, he was the enemy. My only options were to rage at him or leave the room. I felt frustrated, dishonored, not heard, unappreciated, and unloved. The very feelings I had experienced as a child. My feelings overwhelmed me. I wanted to run away and hide. This was my childhood pattern. Back then, it definitely wasn't safe to show my rage, so I hid in a fantasy of musicals and movies. Fantasy was my safe haven, a place where I did not have to face my pain and suffering. Now it is time to bring Consciousness to my rage, face it, embrace it, and learn the many lessons it has come to teach me.

The most powerful lesson rage has taught me is that when I denied my rage, I also denied Self-Love. Instead of expressing my rage in healthy ways and then releasing it, I stuffed it. I denied myself the pleasure of my gifts from God…writing, speaking, and singing. I took on the role of savior to my sister and mother and became the consummate caretaker. Rage then expressed itself as disease or illness in my body. But how many of us as children could express our rage with impunity? How, as a three-year-old child, could I express my dismay at my twin sister's deafness and the havoc it would bring to my life? I was clueless. I did what was already natural to me - I blamed myself, assuming that I had done something terribly wrong. I internalized the shame and created illness as the proper punishment. Bladder infections have plagued me all of my life. As a child I suffered from bronchitis. As a young adult I suffered from tonsillitis and had an acute appendicitis attack. At the age of twenty-one I was plagued with an illness that would not be diagnosed for eleven years: manic-depression.

Illness and suffering have surely been the doorways to my enlightenment in this lifetime. Yet it was not until five years ago when I attempted to take my own life that I finally began The Work of bringing Consciousness to everything. I began doing The Practices and looking at my life from the bigger perspective of my Soul. Gradually, I began to remember God, which I am. Pieces of the puzzle began to fit. I saw illness as a Soul Agreement that I chose in order to learn about Self-Love, Compassion, Joy, and God, which I am. I did the Next Focus In Divine Consciousness Work Sheets. After spending hour after hour, writing page after page about my unfinished mommy/daddy business, I no longer saw myself as the victim and my parents as the persecutors. In the last year, I discovered God, which I am, as never before. I see all situations as Divine Set-ups for my Awakening.

In the last six months, I have been facing and dealing with an illness called Candida. It is an overgrowth of yeast in the body that weakens the immune system. It is believed that the cause of Candida stems from repressed anger in childhood held by a caretaker-type personality. Bingo! That was me. I take a wide variety of supplements and am on a very stringent diet. At times my forearms have ached so severely that it has been difficult to pick things up or even cut vegetables. With a compromised immune system, I am more susceptible to colds and infection. Fatigue and an overall lack of energy have been two very constant companions on my journey to health. The difference between the process I am going through now and all the illnesses I have experienced in the past is that I am bringing Consciousness to every moment of my life. I see Candida as my key to freedom. I am expressing my forbidden childhood feelings. I am releasing the old destructive patterns of rage I have held for so many years. Now, along with the pain, I am experiencing Joy and Peace. I am releasing my pain Consciously. I am giving thanks for this process.

In the safe environment of a Conscious relationship with my Beloved, I can speak my Truth. My passion for life is restored. With the awareness of my Beloved as the messenger, I can see, own, and deal with my rage in healthy ways. I have taken responsibility for creating every illness from the place of self-loathing. I give thanks for the Divine Set-ups in which my buttons are pushed. I am able to feel and then heal the old wounds, releasing them in gratitude. I am bringing my Consciousness to the fact that I am well. It is already accomplished at Soul level. With each new day, my health is enhanced as my Self-Love increases. My Love and respect for my Beloved increases with each moment. We have come together in Consciousness to be mirrors for each other, so that we may both Awaken to our Divinity.

I now see an explosion of rage within me as an opportunity to go more deeply still into the Serene Center of my Being within my Heart, transforming fear into Love. I give unceasing thanks to God for the blessing of change in my life, for the opportunity to live my life as Source. Thanks be to those messengers in my life who have helped me to "mine the gold" of my unfinished mommy/daddy business and remember God, which I am. For it is the mining of this gold that has given me the freedom to do what truly makes my Heart sing: feel, speak, write, and sing the Truth of my Being, twenty-four hours a day.

 

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