Dear Lord,

So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

A painter was high up on scaffolding inside an enormous cathedral when he spotted a lone old woman in fervent prayer below. He decided to have some fun with her. In an eerie, deep voice, which he directed down at her he said, "Hellooo. This is Jesus." The old woman kept on praying silently to herself. The painter was disappointed that there was no reaction to his little hoax, but decided she just hadn't heard him. Again, but louder, he said, "Hellooo. This is Jesus". Still no reaction whatsoever. Getting frustrated, the painter shouted out this time, "Hellooo. This is Jesus". To which he heard an irritated response: "Shut up, Jesus. I'm talking to your Father!"

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly he could have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urination while in a vertical position. And lo, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms."

Adam was returning home late one night. When Eve confronted him. "You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.

"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."

Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked Eve.

"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."

Two nuns were learning to paint nudes. They took off their clothes so as to model for each other. Then they heard a man's voice at the door: "I am the blind man, may I come in?" The two nuns whispered to each other: "Shall we put on our clothes?" "Well, he is blind anyway." So they opened the door with no clothes on. There stood a man with his eyes wide open; under his arms was a stack of window blinds.

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